CHAPTER 10: Simple, smart, sensible self-defense

As I spent a long time training Wheezy Kid, trying to rid him of that glossed-over-eyes look he always has on his face, I realized that his problem with self-defense was only half his fault. Sure, he's not very bright, but I started to wonder if we weren't leading this kid astray. I mean, what's the more likely scenario for him- geeitng a knife pulled on him in the mean streets of Skaneatles, or getting the crap kicked out of him by some fat bully at school?

Upon this epiphany, I realized that a lot of our self-defense is not even close to age appropriate. I mean, we teach 8 year olds the same defense against a gun that we do police officers.At that tender age, they are more likely going to blow their own fingers off playing with a gun. And self defense for women? Oh....they want to learn how to defend themselves against big men, but won't spar with one. Gimme a break.

So what is good self defense? I started to wonder...how would I do it if I had the freedom to teach it any way I wanted? I pretty much do that anyway, but...

I'd have to start with one very important piece of information. A weapon, be it gun or pepper spray only makes you safer if 1) you actually have it on you and 2) you know how to use it. Weapons do more harm than good in the hands of idiots, and E.R.s are packed with people who end up shooting themselves (Ahem, Mr.Former Football Star). You are best off training in a weapon that neither is forgotten at home nor needs to be licensed- yourself.

So that being said, what do you do? Well, it depends on your own personal situation. But I feel guna nd knife defense has no place in junior level karate unless you teach a program in an inner city. Since I teach mostly rich white kids, they will probably buy their own security living in posh places or quaint towns the rest of their lives. For everyone else, we must look around and realize what it is we really have to be afraid of.

Little kids- The worse nightmare of any parent is their child being swiped or abused by some creepy pedophile. Unfortunately, these things happen, but stats actually say your kid ought to be more afraid of you, the parent. 78% of all kid abductions happen because a non-custodial parent takes them. With this in mind, take a good hard look at your spouse (or ex-spouse) as a possible culprit. Has he/she had a violent past? Are they possessive?  If they ever did run off with your child, where or who would they go to?

Little kid self defense is the only kind of defense I think that is actually done right in this country. Stranger danger education is key, and keeping records of your child is essential in case your child ever does go missing.  Little kids of course can defend themselves too. Yelling to the top of his/her lungs has never failed to get attention in a crowded grocery store, and the same action is likely to get people to notice and come to their aid. Little kids are also excellent biters. Most importantly a kid should be able to call home and/or 911 on a phone in case of an emergency.

School-aged kids- Ah, the dreaded bully. The whole reason why most parents put their kids in martial arts, and you guess it, we don't do a good enough job with it. Traditional martial arts focuses on correct form. Bullies have no form. They know three basic principles; "attack kids smaller than me, punch them in the face, and (if they plan this far ahead) bring my friends." Why doesn't self-defense work? Because we spent so much time telling kids "don't get into trouble, or you'll never get into Ivy League!" The truth of the matter is, one detention means nothing.  Wheezy kid is a good example of this. He told us one day he got beat up at school (I believe he used the word 'again' after that sentence), and when I asked him why he didn't fight back, he told me "Well, I didn't want to get detention." Wow. This problem is easily fixable, parents. Have a discussion with your child about when it is appropriate to use martial arts. When faced with a hospital bill, one measily detention won't make you mad at them. Explain to your kids it is okay if that happens, but only in that instance.

We as martial arts teachers need to teach quick and appropriate "fight enders". Most real bullies probably have never actually fought a day in their lives, and would probably whine the moment they get hit (Cartman). The problem with kids today is most of their reperetoire comes from sitting on their ass watching TV- they think wrestling and MMA matches are real fights. They couldn't be more wrong. Real fights are dirty. Real fights don't involve straight punches and do-overs. All kids in martial arts should know a "warning shot, fight ender" exercise. The longer the fight goes, the worse it will get. Plus, we want that bully to be sorry he messed with your kid. If you look to get your kids into martial arts for this reason, eaxmine the school's curriculum carefully. Point sparring is not self defense, and I make it a point to tell kids that every chance I get.  A good school will work self defense every class, if not weekly. If it's an afterthought (a one sentence blurb on your kid's list of requirements for a belt), walk out and enroll your kid elsewhere.

Older kids- I feel very strongly about this. The biggest threat to your kid is their own stupidity, primarily involving the internet. When I was a kid, I wasn't allowed to have my own phone, let alone my own computer, in my room. We all shared one computer that was in a high-traffic room of the house, and whatever dumb ideas I had went out the window because I didn't want my parents reading my business over my shoulder. I'm just saying, independence is needed, but should be earned slowly. If your child has no respect for your authority pertaining to rules, then how can they respect their own safety? Set reasonable rules for your kid, and stick to them. If they must have their own computer, limit the time they spend on it. At the very least it will help out their waistline. Explain to them it's a really dumb idea posting personal information or pictures to people they don't know, even if they sound "friendly". And educate yourself about cyber bullying and cyber sex. I guarantee your 12 year old knows more about it than you do. Now is not the time to act embarrassed.

The other main issue at this age has to do with dating, and it's especially crucial for teens to understand the patterns of bad relationships. Domestic violence is not just hitting- it's psychological control. I'll cover this more in the adult categories. But the good thing at this age is that you still have influence over who your son/daughter is allowed to see. I can hear you now, "But my child sees him/her anyway". Without driving your kid away, make it worth their while to do something else with their time. Get them lessons in an activity they like or ease restrictions on over friends that aren't really that bad. Hey, if the guy with the piercing is most respectful to your daughter than the douche bag she's dating, then you shouldn't have beef with him. Which leads us into another problematic group...

Women- Ladies, we of the martial arts world have failed you too. All the ads promising you 100% fool-proof self defense and courses teaching you to beat on a poor padded guy, have led you into a false sense of why you needed self-defense in the first place. Just like kids, the most likely assailant is not some crazed serial rapist, it's somebody close to home- your guy. And as I mentioned before, it is about the need to possess. Often, your best self-defense starts with the guys you choose to date. Sure the bad boys are fun, but they are called bad for a reason. And a guy who seems harmless but tells you what clothes you should wear, or when you can talk to your friends, will never grow out of it. Oh and men, this is also true for you. Women can be equally nuts.When you regonize the pattern of bad partners, you'll avoid them.

But what about those scary rapists? Well, again, it largely depends on where you live and the kind of activites you do. People who live in crime-ridden cities know there are certain places you avoid completely, or after certain time of day. At college parties, keep your drink on hand at all times and pour/get your own drink. Stay with people you came with (safety in numbers) and leave together. If it comes to walking alone or hailing a cab, get a cab. It's worth the money. Joggers....seriously, get off the phone or Ipod. And again, jog in numbers. All in all, learn to develop your instincts. If some place or somebody doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. 

As for what to do once you encounter a rape situation? Well, this is why you go to get training. And one class won't do it. Like CPR, you should renew your skills. Find a place that will offer either class or seminars in self-defense year-round. See my argument for school aged kid as to what to look for. Look, no mater what, understand that this person wants to hurt you. The line is crossed already. It's on. DO EVERYTHING. Bite, kick, headbutt, scream, claw at whatever you can grab and dig in with your nails. Know that even if things go south, you have enough DNA on that s.o.b. to put him in the slammer. When weapons are involved, there are two schools of thought- comply, or don't. Again, he means to hurt you. Most of the time, it's a scare tactic. Some training is need to overcome this, but it isn't rocket science. Above all else, don't let the perp. drag you away. Your chance of survival goes way down at that point. Fight like hell.

Men- Ah... what can I say? The best thing a man can do to protect himself? Shut the hell up. Sometimes it's best to walk away from a douche bag, than it is to argue with him, especially if the douche is packing heat. No trivial misunderstanding  is worth losing your life over. Don't advertise that you have martial arts training, either. The best weapon in self-defense is the element of surprise. I laugh at guys wearing mma shirts. They are asking for it. Your two months of couch-jutsu training is not only just enough to get you hurt in a fight, it's enough to get your ass thrown in jail.

Also understand that the odds are against you when defending yourself against a woman. Much like a police officer can't bludgeon  every criminal with his baton, you should be thinking about how much force is appropriate to subdue your crazy girlfriend. It's a horrible double standard, but the truth is if you lose your cool and punch your girlfriend, then she can turn it against you and you, the victim, will be the one going to jail.

But what about the guns, knives, chains, clubs? I honestly only know one place that will give you all the education you could ever want on them- jail. Either your a criminal or a security guard. Either way, your self defense skills are probably better than most karate people. If crime isn't your thing, perhaps the military is. I have never heard anything bad about the self-defense training soldiers get- after all, protection is their job. Be wary though of those who claim military service and for just $199, will teach you all their secrets.

As you can see, self-defense is and should be different for everyone. A one-size-fits-all approach is not healthy, nor is it comprehensible to the general population. We as martial arts teachers need to do a better job of addressing each one of our students' concerns in this matter. Self defense is our bread and butter, not the side dish.