CHAPTER 10: Simple, smart, sensible self-defense

As I spent a long time training Wheezy Kid, trying to rid him of that glossed-over-eyes look he always has on his face, I realized that his problem with self-defense was only half his fault. Sure, he's not very bright, but I started to wonder if we weren't leading this kid astray. I mean, what's the more likely scenario for him- geeitng a knife pulled on him in the mean streets of Skaneatles, or getting the crap kicked out of him by some fat bully at school?

Upon this epiphany, I realized that a lot of our self-defense is not even close to age appropriate. I mean, we teach 8 year olds the same defense against a gun that we do police officers.At that tender age, they are more likely going to blow their own fingers off playing with a gun. And self defense for women? Oh....they want to learn how to defend themselves against big men, but won't spar with one. Gimme a break.

So what is good self defense? I started to wonder...how would I do it if I had the freedom to teach it any way I wanted? I pretty much do that anyway, but...

I'd have to start with one very important piece of information. A weapon, be it gun or pepper spray only makes you safer if 1) you actually have it on you and 2) you know how to use it. Weapons do more harm than good in the hands of idiots, and E.R.s are packed with people who end up shooting themselves (Ahem, Mr.Former Football Star). You are best off training in a weapon that neither is forgotten at home nor needs to be licensed- yourself.

So that being said, what do you do? Well, it depends on your own personal situation. But I feel guna nd knife defense has no place in junior level karate unless you teach a program in an inner city. Since I teach mostly rich white kids, they will probably buy their own security living in posh places or quaint towns the rest of their lives. For everyone else, we must look around and realize what it is we really have to be afraid of.

Little kids- The worse nightmare of any parent is their child being swiped or abused by some creepy pedophile. Unfortunately, these things happen, but stats actually say your kid ought to be more afraid of you, the parent. 78% of all kid abductions happen because a non-custodial parent takes them. With this in mind, take a good hard look at your spouse (or ex-spouse) as a possible culprit. Has he/she had a violent past? Are they possessive?  If they ever did run off with your child, where or who would they go to?

Little kid self defense is the only kind of defense I think that is actually done right in this country. Stranger danger education is key, and keeping records of your child is essential in case your child ever does go missing.  Little kids of course can defend themselves too. Yelling to the top of his/her lungs has never failed to get attention in a crowded grocery store, and the same action is likely to get people to notice and come to their aid. Little kids are also excellent biters. Most importantly a kid should be able to call home and/or 911 on a phone in case of an emergency.

School-aged kids- Ah, the dreaded bully. The whole reason why most parents put their kids in martial arts, and you guess it, we don't do a good enough job with it. Traditional martial arts focuses on correct form. Bullies have no form. They know three basic principles; "attack kids smaller than me, punch them in the face, and (if they plan this far ahead) bring my friends." Why doesn't self-defense work? Because we spent so much time telling kids "don't get into trouble, or you'll never get into Ivy League!" The truth of the matter is, one detention means nothing.  Wheezy kid is a good example of this. He told us one day he got beat up at school (I believe he used the word 'again' after that sentence), and when I asked him why he didn't fight back, he told me "Well, I didn't want to get detention." Wow. This problem is easily fixable, parents. Have a discussion with your child about when it is appropriate to use martial arts. When faced with a hospital bill, one measily detention won't make you mad at them. Explain to your kids it is okay if that happens, but only in that instance.

We as martial arts teachers need to teach quick and appropriate "fight enders". Most real bullies probably have never actually fought a day in their lives, and would probably whine the moment they get hit (Cartman). The problem with kids today is most of their reperetoire comes from sitting on their ass watching TV- they think wrestling and MMA matches are real fights. They couldn't be more wrong. Real fights are dirty. Real fights don't involve straight punches and do-overs. All kids in martial arts should know a "warning shot, fight ender" exercise. The longer the fight goes, the worse it will get. Plus, we want that bully to be sorry he messed with your kid. If you look to get your kids into martial arts for this reason, eaxmine the school's curriculum carefully. Point sparring is not self defense, and I make it a point to tell kids that every chance I get.  A good school will work self defense every class, if not weekly. If it's an afterthought (a one sentence blurb on your kid's list of requirements for a belt), walk out and enroll your kid elsewhere.

Older kids- I feel very strongly about this. The biggest threat to your kid is their own stupidity, primarily involving the internet. When I was a kid, I wasn't allowed to have my own phone, let alone my own computer, in my room. We all shared one computer that was in a high-traffic room of the house, and whatever dumb ideas I had went out the window because I didn't want my parents reading my business over my shoulder. I'm just saying, independence is needed, but should be earned slowly. If your child has no respect for your authority pertaining to rules, then how can they respect their own safety? Set reasonable rules for your kid, and stick to them. If they must have their own computer, limit the time they spend on it. At the very least it will help out their waistline. Explain to them it's a really dumb idea posting personal information or pictures to people they don't know, even if they sound "friendly". And educate yourself about cyber bullying and cyber sex. I guarantee your 12 year old knows more about it than you do. Now is not the time to act embarrassed.

The other main issue at this age has to do with dating, and it's especially crucial for teens to understand the patterns of bad relationships. Domestic violence is not just hitting- it's psychological control. I'll cover this more in the adult categories. But the good thing at this age is that you still have influence over who your son/daughter is allowed to see. I can hear you now, "But my child sees him/her anyway". Without driving your kid away, make it worth their while to do something else with their time. Get them lessons in an activity they like or ease restrictions on over friends that aren't really that bad. Hey, if the guy with the piercing is most respectful to your daughter than the douche bag she's dating, then you shouldn't have beef with him. Which leads us into another problematic group...

Women- Ladies, we of the martial arts world have failed you too. All the ads promising you 100% fool-proof self defense and courses teaching you to beat on a poor padded guy, have led you into a false sense of why you needed self-defense in the first place. Just like kids, the most likely assailant is not some crazed serial rapist, it's somebody close to home- your guy. And as I mentioned before, it is about the need to possess. Often, your best self-defense starts with the guys you choose to date. Sure the bad boys are fun, but they are called bad for a reason. And a guy who seems harmless but tells you what clothes you should wear, or when you can talk to your friends, will never grow out of it. Oh and men, this is also true for you. Women can be equally nuts.When you regonize the pattern of bad partners, you'll avoid them.

But what about those scary rapists? Well, again, it largely depends on where you live and the kind of activites you do. People who live in crime-ridden cities know there are certain places you avoid completely, or after certain time of day. At college parties, keep your drink on hand at all times and pour/get your own drink. Stay with people you came with (safety in numbers) and leave together. If it comes to walking alone or hailing a cab, get a cab. It's worth the money. Joggers....seriously, get off the phone or Ipod. And again, jog in numbers. All in all, learn to develop your instincts. If some place or somebody doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. 

As for what to do once you encounter a rape situation? Well, this is why you go to get training. And one class won't do it. Like CPR, you should renew your skills. Find a place that will offer either class or seminars in self-defense year-round. See my argument for school aged kid as to what to look for. Look, no mater what, understand that this person wants to hurt you. The line is crossed already. It's on. DO EVERYTHING. Bite, kick, headbutt, scream, claw at whatever you can grab and dig in with your nails. Know that even if things go south, you have enough DNA on that s.o.b. to put him in the slammer. When weapons are involved, there are two schools of thought- comply, or don't. Again, he means to hurt you. Most of the time, it's a scare tactic. Some training is need to overcome this, but it isn't rocket science. Above all else, don't let the perp. drag you away. Your chance of survival goes way down at that point. Fight like hell.

Men- Ah... what can I say? The best thing a man can do to protect himself? Shut the hell up. Sometimes it's best to walk away from a douche bag, than it is to argue with him, especially if the douche is packing heat. No trivial misunderstanding  is worth losing your life over. Don't advertise that you have martial arts training, either. The best weapon in self-defense is the element of surprise. I laugh at guys wearing mma shirts. They are asking for it. Your two months of couch-jutsu training is not only just enough to get you hurt in a fight, it's enough to get your ass thrown in jail.

Also understand that the odds are against you when defending yourself against a woman. Much like a police officer can't bludgeon  every criminal with his baton, you should be thinking about how much force is appropriate to subdue your crazy girlfriend. It's a horrible double standard, but the truth is if you lose your cool and punch your girlfriend, then she can turn it against you and you, the victim, will be the one going to jail.

But what about the guns, knives, chains, clubs? I honestly only know one place that will give you all the education you could ever want on them- jail. Either your a criminal or a security guard. Either way, your self defense skills are probably better than most karate people. If crime isn't your thing, perhaps the military is. I have never heard anything bad about the self-defense training soldiers get- after all, protection is their job. Be wary though of those who claim military service and for just $199, will teach you all their secrets.

As you can see, self-defense is and should be different for everyone. A one-size-fits-all approach is not healthy, nor is it comprehensible to the general population. We as martial arts teachers need to do a better job of addressing each one of our students' concerns in this matter. Self defense is our bread and butter, not the side dish.

SIDE NOTE: The ten most common questions asked on Yahoo answers martial arts section

1) I want to learn how to street fight. Will (insert art here) help me?
You don't need a martial art to be a good fighter. What you need is to live in a tough neighborhood, have a death wish, and buy knife or gun. Then, if you're not dead from your first fight, have a good lawyer on speed dial. I question whether or not most people understand the definition of a street fight. As I have previously said before, a cage fight involves a referee and rules, whereas a street fight involves lop-sided odds usually not in your favor and weapons (usually guns). A street fight is neither a cage match, nor a hair-pulling shoving match you get in junior high. When someone asks this question, you not only get the idea that they have a serious problem with thinking fights are cool, but they are exactly looking for the anti-thesis to self defense- never start shit.

2) Do you think if I train real hard, I could be a UFC fighter?
No.

3) My parents won't let me train in (insert art here). What do I do/how can I convince them?
A parent, when it's their money, will part with it for you if it's a necessity or it benefits them to do so. If, by some chance, they believe that the particular gym/studio is too expensive, they will refuse a child's request. At least, most sane parents do. A kid cannot convince them otherwise, nor is it polite to try to. Welcome to one of the most important pillars of martial arts- if you want something bad enough, you have to work for it. That means, you might actually have to get a job. This is not a bad thing. When you pay for your own lessons, you appreciate them more. You try harder, you go whenever you can- because it is an unsound investment if you do- and that in turn makes you a better, more mature martial artist than a child ever will be.

4)How much is too much for classes?
If you cannot make the monthly payment without difficulty, it's too much. If the place you are looking at offers you a "deal" meaning you have to sign a contract, run don't walk out. Remember that for most of us, as much as we swear it's a "lifestyle" it's not necessary to keep living and breathing. Unless you can make a substantial living at martial arts,- you are a great businessman hell-bent on taking our money, or an action star- you need to consider it a hobby. If class dues come before your family's needs or your own health, then it's not worth it.

5) What art should I study?
You can only study what is in your area. If it means driving 2 hours every day from home or work, then it's not worth it. Start by opening your phone book or looking on Google, cross off any that you are not willing to drive to, and if you don't live in a metropolitan area, it will leave you with a small list of candidates. If you have no preference for one art over the other (and do NOT listen to what other practitioners tell you. They are so knee-deep in their own junk that they have stopped emptying their cup years ago) then your question really becomes "what school/gym should I go to?" Make time to visit each school on your list. Come prepared with questions, and ask to watch a class. Most schools will let you watch and try a class for free. Don't leave without speaking to the head honcho. If he/she seems nervous, pushy, rude, or not-forthcoming, leave. When you find the right place for you, you know it. For experienced people looking for a new place to train, it's not always that simple, especially if it's impossible to study the art that you have been doing. You have to let go of all the preconceived notions of what the perfect a martial arts place should be, because you won't find it. Again, it's a timely and personal journey.

6) What does it take to be in the UFC?
Money, hard work, a good gym, top coaches, a positive training environment, getting noticed by promoters, sponsors to pay for training, a chance-of-a-lifetime fight (and winning that fight), an entourage to spread your name around, oh and ALL-AROUND SKILLS IN MARTIAL ARTS!

7) How would win in a street fight between (dead martial artist, martial artist/actor) and (animal-usually a grizzly bear or lion)?
The animal. Unless a shotgun is involved.

8) Which art is better, (art A) or (art B)?
Better for what? "Street fighting"? UFC? Pinochle? There is no "better" unless you provide some sort of abstract for weighing the pros and cons of studying certain arts, even then it is a personal question with a different answer for everyone. Better questions to ask would be "What kind of arts practice grappling?" or "What arts teach semi-contact sparring?". If you ask this question, you will inevitably get that one guy who says mma (not an art), the couple of douchebags who claim their own arts are the best, and two or three people with common sense who say "there is no better art. It depends YOU."

9) Can a girl defeat a guy?
Yes. In the end, it is not the gender, but the level of skill in an art (or self-defense or sparring, as the case may be) one possesses. A highly-skilled person will always beat a no-skilled person. I will take htis time to address some myths perpetuated by 15 year olds who think they understand anatomy:

• MYTH: Women can't stand a blow to their breasts. FACT: It's not really that bad. It's not like getting kicked in the balls. Although there are some nerves there, it's 95% fat. It's sort of like getting kicked in the ass. It stings, but it's not the end of the world. Lame-brained guys who punch a girl with martial arts training and muscle mass will see a rather unimpressed girl staring back at them...right before she knocks him out.
• MYTH: Women are the weaker sex so they will always lose the fight. FACT: You have never sparred with a competent female, have you?

• MYTH: Women aren't good at grappling. FACT: Women anatomically have a lower center of gravity and are the more flexible of the genders. This makes grappling an educated woman (in martial arts)similar to grappling a good wrestler. In time, we will see more women learning, teaching, and showcasing grappling arts.
  

Finally....1) How long will it take me to get a blackbelt in (insert art here)? Hopefully, never. The martial arts world doesn't need anymore people in it for a colored cotton strip that means jack when you leave the dojo at night. If this is your primary intention, it's a faulty one that in the end will leave you neither fulfilled nor happy. And there is no "average time span" to get a belt either. You can't quantify life events like your job moving out of state, your sensei dying, or getting hit by a bus. That's life. It happens-if it happens- when it happens. The best thing you can do for yourself is train consistently and smart in the meantime.

Upon reading this, I want to answer one more question that gets asked all the time. How old can my child start martial arts? Of course, technically, you could sign him up at whatever age any teacher is willing to take him, some do as young as 2. However there are many, MANY issues to consider. Number one; does your child want to do it, or do you? Number two; does your child have any attention span? In other words, can he sit and watch a 30 minute cartoon without getting up to wander. In most classes, a kid most survive at least 45 minutes without becoming unglued. Number three; what do you hope to accomplish by taking him to martial arts? Self confidence, discipline, burn energy? Sure, your kid can get these at martial arts class, but we as teachers can only do so much for your child. Don't confuse martial arts class with daycare, either. Number four; Are you willing to pay for the classes, the uniform, the weapons, etc, even if he quits? Classes are an investment. If your child gets bored, and quits (and 90% of all kids do before black belt, by the way), can you deal with that? So how old can your child handle martial arts? Well, I have theory. Number One- your child should be potty trained, so at least three at the earliest. Number Two- your child should be able to dress himself or herself, provided that there are no mental deficiencies, so about...5, let's say. Number three- the child should at the very least be out of kindergarten. Why kindergarten? Because if your child can pass that, I know he/she can read their own name, which means that they understand the alphabet and then can effectively (even if they can't completely understand) their style's manual...so that's about 6. I will add that out of the 6 years olds that I have seen in my 6 year stint at the school I am at, only two have survived a full year of training. Odds get better of staying the older your child is when he starts. I have seen the best results from kids who started at 8 or 9, and many of those had a sibling already in the class. Although your child can start whenever you want him to, there are many things to consider. It's not like football or hockey where it's a race to get as much playing time in as possible to be able to go to a professional organization (no, UFC doesn't count). Most likely, your child will quit martial arts, and you have to be okay with that. That being said, it's up to you.

CHAPTER SIX: A note to all black belts, sensei, sifu, sihing, etc.

Dear black belts, sensei, sifu, sihing, etc., and otherwise leaders of the martial arts community,

Stop addressing yourself by your title as if you were born with it. Seriously. Stop putting your title on websites, business cards, flyers, and seminar ad. Not only does it show your ignorance for how these titles are used to address respected individuals other than yourself, but it's also just tacky.

If someone really wants to know what your title is for training purposes, they will know to ask you or your senior students, and you or they will say, "You may call me/him/her ________" but unless that were to occur, please keep your title to yourself. A layperson looking for training or even a fellow martial artist is not impressed by how long or fancy-sounding your title is. If a person is really curious as to whether or not your ability is worth respect, they will find out for themselves sure enough. Really, nobody cares that you are grand master renshi sifu, 11th dan. Do you know what it means anyway?

Let's take the term "sensei" for a second. Sensei is a Japanese word in origin, and means "teacher". Makes sense that you would use this as a title for black belt,since traditionally black belt are the teachers. But there is a slight problem with this- ANYONE can be a sensei in Japanese culture, as long as they are respected by someone else. This title is used for a regular school teacher, for instance, or a doctor, or just someone older. Japanese people, however, NEVER REFER TO THEMSELVES AS "SENSEI". EVER. It goes back to tradition- respect others, humble yourself. We seem to have lost that.

That being said, it irritates and embarrasses me as a martial artist when someone is interviewed by a newspaper and addresses himself as "Grand Master" or "Hanshi" to the reporter like that is supposed to mean something to the public. All it means is "I'm head guy. Look at me!" when you really ought to be saying, "Hey, look at my hard-working students. Aren't they great?"

Humble pie. And a little linguistic correction. That's all I'm suggesting.

CHAPTER FIVE: Why you should never use the martial arts as platform to fame.

This is the story about a fictional kid named Cody. He was the youngest kid at his Tae Kwon Do school to ever get a black belt at 6, and by 10 he’d already won over 20 medals at the Junior Olympics. Cody was an XMA star by the ripe old age of 11. He specialized in nunchaku, musical forms, and- his favorite- a weapons routine he calls aerial swords. His father, Jerry, a famed master of his own style, saw the potential in Cody and embarked on a Hollywood career for his young boy. He got a couple job offers, most notably a music video and a read for the lead in the blockbuster, Ninja Baby vs. the Assassins. He didn’t get the role, but he did get a bit part in one of the non-pivotal scenes. By age 13, he had cut a deal with a martial art supply chain to plug his very own model bo staff (although he did nothing for the design), and he had a work-out video designed for other XMA kids.

You could say that Cody was the perfect kid. And he sure was that exemplary student every teacher dreams about. He had the medals and money to prove it. It sure was a shame though, that after years of using a sword, he never developed a healthy respect for sharp blades (perhaps it was because he never used a sharp blade). I say this because what happened next was a dangerous mix of Darwinism and schadenfreude. Young Cody’s go getter attitude finally got him in trouble when he decided at age 14 to go get a stuck twig out of a push mower. The rest as they say is history.

Cody is now 20 years old. He can’t do martial arts anymore, not that he’d want to. He’s bumming about UCLA with a degree in general studies, and couldn’t care less about his future. He only has two whole fingers, a thumb, and parts of the others on his right hand- which is just enough to drink beer and hold a joint with. Despite his unfortunate turn of events, he is strangely happy with it. The experience got him out of his father’s watchful eye, which is now on his younger sister Lisa. Currently at 8, she is number one in the world in musical forms, and Jerry couldn’t be prouder. She’s won over 50 titles, has her own line of workout gear, and is on the honor roll. She is following in Cody’s footstep, alright. She’s been auditioning for roles in film and TV recently. She’s set to film her first feature film as Kiki the fighting cheerleader- that is, after she becomes the youngest athlete in history to have a total hip replacement.

So that is a fictional story, but you can see parts of it could easily be true. Which brings me to my point- why does martial arts attract this much crap to the lives of children? In what universe is it okay to tell your kid that you can participate only if you are the best? It is the most frustrating thing to watch a parent take a talented kid and run him or her into ground until they have sucked the joy out of martial arts completely.I realize that this is not a problem exclusive to martial arts. It’s tough to not want the most in everything you do, but there are other things to consider that are just as valuable; like, your sanity. Or your health. Or your money. How many people do you know have sunk their money into a dojo or gym looking to become the next big thing, or to fail in realizing that their potential just isn’t that great?

Okay, a real story now. A guy that used to go to my school ( I dubbed him Wally) had aspirations of being a cage fighter. It’s a common dream nowadays, and why not? The phrase “six figure contract” sounds pretty good to a guy working a crappy job. And when you’re a big guy anyway, it sounds like a perfect fit. Just one problem though- this guy wasn’t good. He trained in two arts; karate and aiki (neither of them exactly good for cage fighting, I might add), but he didn’t really show interest or promise in either one of them. Did I mention there was one problem? It gets worse. Wally was so big, he could barely move, and he had two (yes, two) shot knees. He also had two very young kids, and a not so stable job. I say that last part because, while his abilities were limited, Wally’s heart was in the right place, along with his wallet. He believed until the end (even after Head Sensei told him he was an idiot) that this little bit of training and some gym time would turn him into a fighter. He told us one weekend he’d be missing class to attend his first MMA fight. He never came back. I just think of all that money he wasted on something he was doomed to fail at, when his wife and kids could have benefitted from a little investment. True, fatherhood doesn’t exactly pay out, but you get where I am going, right?

Only 1% of us is a Bruce Lee, a Georges St. Pierre, a David Carradine, or a Cynthia Rothrock (go look her up, kiddies). Having said that, it astonishes me how many martial artist go out of their way to prove they’re number one. I keep thinking about that famous Youtube clip of the boy wielding a staff, and thinking that, assuming he was the best one, there must have been a hundred little kids just like him who spent whatever the ungodly amount the entry fee was, and they didn’t even get on TV, let alone place. And then there are the fighters who end up in hospital with broken appendages because they picked a fight with someone they had no chance in beating. As martial artists, we have to be better than this. The title of artist gives us the ability to forget the martial part if we so desire. A little competition is good, but a little masochism never helped anybody.

SIDE NOTE: RECIPE FOR A BETTER KUKI

As much as a new Shodan in karate, ni-dan in iai, and ikkyu in aiki has no business being a tip guru, I do think I’ve learned some things over the years that somebody could benefit from. I wish when I started, there was as much wealth of information as there is now, but honestly a good portion of it is counter-intuitive. Nerdverd, an infamous character from my past, was a prime example of this. He looked up EVERTHING on the internet and believed it. One of his problems was his inability to take what we said at face value. One example of this was looking up a school kata that was way out of his range, teaching it to himself, and then wanting to try it with (or, more accurately, on) me. Learning the 4^th kata when you can’t remember the first or second isn’t exactly the safest of strategies, let alone, using a poorly done video you found on Youtube as a teacher. But I digress.

There are some things I wish I knew when I started martial arts, and I would like to share them with you. Some of them, newbies, you might not understand right away, some are obvious, and some you just with agree with. I stayed away from the generalization of “take BJJ or Muay Thai” because frankly, they aren’t options in rural areas, and a lot of people have no business training in such arts for a ticket to UFC, or whatever dumb idea they have in their heads. A lot of schools are gladly taking your money for that reason. Not to say you shouldn’t experiment with other arts- you should, if you can afford it. However, if you really want to take multiple arts, you should do so because you love it and it’s a good fit for your personal talents, not because you feel to have to in order to become “a good fighter.” If this is your attitude, BJJ and Muay Thai really don’t need you.

Anyways, here goes:

1) 1) Go to as many low-cost seminars as you can, even (or especially) if they are not in your art.

If you live in a rural, suburban, or secluded area, you understand what I mean when I say training can get a little claustrophobic. You live many miles from the nearest MMA school, and the closest thing you can get to a good sparring match is with the same people you throw down with all the time. It’s especially important that you get as much exposure to outside school as you can. If you don’t, you get stale. Then you get to competitions and wonder why you get hammered.

Research potential seminars that are in your price range online and plan several months ahead of time so you can go to them. This goes for camps and competitions as well. Any chance you can get to learn a new technique, view a new style, etc. can only be good for you. Sure, there are bad seminars. I’ve went to a couple. But they never have been total losses to me. I’ve always met someone interesting I can spar or share information with. The prices for some of these seminars can be downright expensive, and unless you have a real desire to train under somebody (like your teacher’s teacher in Japan, for example), it’s probably not worth the money if you can’t afford it. There are a lot of good seminars out there; you just have to find them. Some of them you may have to drive to, or stay over a night. Again, if you end up learning something new, it’s not a total loss.

Remember to share whatever you learn with your mates back at your school. If you’re lucky, they’ll go to different seminars, and you can benefit from them. I had a lot of opportunities to go to these things when I was younger. Now that I have a crappy job, it’s hard to make plans. If it’s in your area, reasonably priced, but you’re not sure it’s for you, GO. You just might learn something. If you started your training as karateka, train with a boxer. If you started with boxing, train with someone who can kick well.

2) 2) Regardless of what style you know, earn to use at least one weapon you can use with both hands- so you can laugh at yourself when the weapon in your non-dominate hand smacks you in the side of the face.

This is more an exercise in humility than anything else. Say what you will about the need for kata or weapons, but nothing brings you back to reality faster than a wooden nunchaku hurdling into the side of your cheek (on either set of your body). And there’s nothing wrong with doing weapons training for the fun of it- it’s good exercise, a good break from regular training, and it helps you develop coordination (even if your body can’t keep up with your brain, and you knock yourself silly).

You can’t be a good weapon-wielder without an appreciation for distance. Good fighters know when to get in and when to get out. For some people, like myself, a couple jabs to the face is still not enough to get my feet moving. I’ve learned a lot from weapons sparring. I am less afraid because I have this (false) notion something longer than my arms with protect me. Although I am still not the best at it, I have watched a lot of fights, and I’m developing a better understanding of reach, and how to manipulate it.

The thing I think that’s most valuable about weapons is that it forces you to have good technique, even if you achieve this by accident. There are a lot of bad empty-handed kata practitioners out there, but few exceptional weapons masters. That’s because the addition of something that could potentially blunder you is not forgiving in the least of poor talent. You have to be good, or you get screwed up. I have tonfa bruises to prove it.

3) 3) Learn to make mistakes, and do them often. It beats not practicing.

There’s nothing that a teacher hates more than a kid who sits there and argues with them about

why they can’t do something, as supposed to just trying it again. They complain about their injuries, their past experience in their last art (“we didn’t do it like that”) etc., for the primary purpose of avoiding admittance that they screwed up.

If you can’t admit you did something wrong, you are unteachable. End of story. It is not even necessary (and in the early stage of training, it may be impossible) to know what exactly you did wrong, or even how to fix it. Welcome to the long road we call “training”. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and you won’t be a good martial artist for some time. Accept it.

Once you get over yourself and your need to perfect everything, you are teachable. This is when you grow the most. The moment you become afraid to make a mistake is the moment you stop learning.

4) 4)There is more to life than class.

Yes- because going to class 6 days a week for 3 hours a day is so much fun! I’m saying this with half-sarcasm and half truth. It can be, if you’re into that. But most of us aren’t. Most of us do not have a desire to be professional, or have a sponsorship or movie deals. Most of us work 8 hours a day to afford the approximately 3-10 hours of training we can actually fit into our lives. To train so much as to not do anything else is not only exhausting for your personal live, it’s not good for your martial arts, either.

Two cases in point, my time writing my senior thesis and a child I called Paparazzi Kid(because of his dad). I did a senior thesis on kinship relations in martial arts schools at the same time I was going to karate 4 days a week. It…shall we say…sucked. Nothing sucks the joy out of something quicker than busting your ass on it and then sitting down to write about it for fifty pages. I remember as I wrote about the ins and outs of kata transmission that I was losing it. I was thinking about martial arts all the time. I prodded everyone I knew about stupid stuff like “How do you fold your gi?” and “How much do you really like your sensei?” I must have been quite annoying at the lunch table. Looking back, it was an interesting concept- looking at martial arts as an anthropologist- but I read that senior thesis recently and I think it’s crap now (even though it did win me an award). But, now to Paparazzi Kid, whose dad…well, had a very misguided future planned for him. The boy was in iai class before I started- God knows how long- and within a year I was the same rank as him. He was good too- phenomenal technique, actually- but a boy nonetheless. The kid did band, hockey, basketball, etc., and he did it to be the best. Problem is, when you take on a laundry list like that, you are bound to forget something. In his case, it was iai. From the story I have gathered, this kid would come home exhausted from school and sleep through class. Not surprisingly, he wanted to quit. What the kid does now, I don’t know, but every once in a while, his dad stops in- kinda disconcerting that his kid doesn’t come in with him. I feel like if the kid had cut just one of his activities, and cut down the number of times he came in a week, he would have been just fine. The whole thing makes you feel like it was never the kid’s choice to do it in the first place. But, this is a good story of a kid with potential that had just too much on his plate for martial arts to work for him.

Another is a kid named Lurch. A new black belt and my next pick to leave soon. The kid comes in four times a week, only to leave every class early to make it to one of his dozen activities. Talk about burnout. Anyways, the point I am trying to make here is don’t make martial arts your life. When you do, something is bound to go- like your sanity. Dave Lowry wrote an excellent article in his book, In the Dojo about this subject. If you get a chance, read it.

The truth is when you go to the dojo, everything from the outside is left at the door. But if you’re always there, don’t you lose that sense of adrenaline-high escapism that brought you to martial arts in the first place? The bottom line is that the more time you spend working that kata, after a certain point, you will get worse. Allow yourself an off day, or less training a day, so you can reset your body and brain.

5) 5)Kids…they’re practically chicken. Unfortunately, most of them grow up to be your colleagues.

Like it or not, kids rules this world. They control everything with their mom and dad’s pocketbooks. Few, like my parents, tell their kids these days that if you want something, you need to go get it yourself. It’s simply a different world, everybody, so you have to deal with them.

The truth of the matter is, 95% percent of all gyms, dojos, and schools in this country have children in them- either in separate classes, or mixed with adults. They float us financially. And a lot of them (ready for this bombshell?) have been lied to about how good they are. This isn’t an argument about rank (that’s a whole different issue which I won’t get into), so shut up about the whole thing about kids getting black belts for now. The important thing is this; you DO need to care about them. Two reasons; number one- they are from the same school as you, and number two- they will eventually (Darwin-willing) grow up to be your potential sparring partners. That said, it is in your best interest to help these defunct little brats any way you can.

For example, if you are a boxer, and some black belt kid in your karate class is punching a bag completely wrong, go help him. True, Darwin will probably weed out this child the moment he tries to actually punch somebody, but think of this- if the kid is small and awkward, that’s probably the reason he’s in karate in the first place. His parents probably thought it would protect him from bullies. And as much as thinking about the kid getting pummeled would probably amuse you (I have to admit, it amuses me), remember that you used to be a kid too. If you were unlucky enough to grow up on the streets and you live now in the ‘burbs with this kid who’s probably never seen blood before except in movies, then share your knowledge with him. You don’t want this kid getting hurt for the obvious reasons of not fucking his hand up for life on the bag, but also because he carries the same school name that you do. Do you want it to get out that your school sucks because one dumb kid couldn’t defend himself?

Also, this kid could grow up to teach other children how to punch wrong, thereby infecting the potential sparring partner gene pool. In five years, you will have a whole generation of new black belts that can’t punch, and it takes a very long time to correct something like that. In the interest of your future, don’t you owe it to yourself to have good martial artists to throw down with, instead of people with the same belt color as you who can’t fight at all? You’ve heard the saying “children are investments” and they are. Invest a minute of your time into a little kid, and he/she will suck less tomorrow.

I know, I know. All of you are saying, “But wait- what if the kid’s a douchebag?” Well, take this in comfort. If the kid is a real douchebag, he/she won’t be there for long. And you can always write nasty blogs about them when they are gone.

6) 6)Get off your damn computer and go practice…dammit.

Seriously- I’m not kidding about this one. Stop blogging about how such-and-such is a lousy fighter and how BJJ is inferior to your style of monkey-jitsu while you shove a whole bag of chips in your mouth. Nobody cares. If you really want to make the martial arts world a better place, go out and work your own stuff.

CHAPTER FOUR: ON LOSING GROUND

There will come a time in your life when nothing you go will ever go right. This is one of those times. You have fought, changed, reasoned, and scrambled to get the things you need to succeed in martial arts (which, coincidentally, are similar to the things you need in everyday life)- time, resources, and the ability to grin and bear it. There is little one can do to change the circumstances of a snowball flying down the hill directly in your path. You only pray that you know the right footwork to get you out of the way before it hits. And then, sometimes it hits, and you ask yourself, did I catch the number on that theoretical Mach truck?

Here’s a classic story about a little tori and a big uke. The little tori was practicing tai otoshi on the big uke one day and asks her teacher, “When would I ever use this on a guy like this? I mean, shouldn’t I do ago oshi or hiza guruma instead? Don’t I want to bring the guy down to my level?” The teacher smiles at her and says, “You don’t expect to be on the same level all your life, now do you?” Okay, I went on a philosophical rant. The reality is, when you’re stuck, you are stuck. And sometimes no matter how hard you try, you just can’t pull yourself out of a rut. That’s when you wonder if you are doing the right thing, investing in a hobby (or lifestyle, whatever you refer to it as) as involved as this one. And it’s funny, but every piece of advice or kind word from your instructors just makes the felling worse. So what’s to be done in a situation like this?

Well…there’s a lot to consider, past the obvious questions like, “Do you still like martial arts?” and “Is it time learn somewhere else” blah, blah, blah. The real question is this- have you changed into the person you want to be, or the person you think you should be, in order to be satisfied with the martial arts? You ever see those people in your school that are the same rank for years? They don’t care what’s on the ranking sheets, or what kata they’re on, or even that their peers are passing them in rank left and right. You think of them as slackers, naturally. After all, with the resources and talent, they should be at a much higher rank. Yet, they are the ones who stay, who usually have the soundest advice or are the first to lend a hand. They could care less with the trivial business matters of running a school. They constantly reminisce. Minus the pressure of being under the watchful eye of the head sensei, they are free to practice as they see fit. Is it any wonder why they look the happiest in the school? I’m starting to feel this way. While it bothers me that lesser people rank higher than me, I cannot deny the certain joy that throwing away the ranking book has given me. If I don’t test for sho-dan in aiki in the next year, or even ten years, I feel okay with it. Same with karate and iai. So what.

I feel that my cheer for being lazy may be misinterpreted. I did not say give up- that is different. When you do, the pain of all the things that bother you go away for a while, that’s true. Then you are filled with emptiness. If I take class away from my life, what would I do with my free time? This is what I have learned in the time I have begun this journey- if you can quit and fill up that void with other things quickly, and not feel sad or guilty about it, then it’s the right choice. If you try to walk away, and with inexplicability you keep coming back for more, then… well you need another choice, don’t you?

It’s indentifying the choices I can make, the steps that get me out of that path of the snowball that I worry about. It’s not often the choices are laid out in front you as obvious as your instructor punching you in the face in order to get your head to move your body. You have to keep your eyes and ears open, and your suspicions and hopes balanced. Where there’s a closed door, there might be a window, but it could only be open half-way. You need the quintessential crow bar.

I find that writing has helped me dump negative thoughts out of my head, and recognize patterns in my thinking that I can correct in some way or another. I like to read other martial artists’ blogs- not only for advice or parallels to my situation, but because some are way worse off than I am (and some don’t even know it). Of course, some do well for themselves, and it’s nice to find one who is down to earth and did it without Mommy’s money. Those writings make me feel a little less anxious.

I’ve tried the yoga and meditation thing. I’d like to say I practice Buddhism, but I am by no means a Buddhist. To say so because I think it fits the character of the martial artist I’m supposed to be is offensive to real-life Buddhists. I could say I am Buddhist any more than I can say I am Japanese because I know the language. I laugh at those who try to be what they can never achieve. I, on the other hand, am content with the heavy task to be someone I like. That is a constant struggle. How can an autistic individual be good at any martial art that involves the usage of things like “partnership” and “community”? How can someone with tactile sense of a finicky porcupine hope to ever achieve anything in a sparring match? Sometimes, I do wonder what I am trying to prove to myself by participating in such acts that at times I cannot fit into. Then again, it’s not like I fit in anywhere else to begin with.

So what is the moral of this story? You are on the base of hill, a snowball comes rolling down, and it threatens to kill you. You are obligated to move, correct? You just need to know in what direction. I suppose in the end, it won’t matter, as long as the snowball misses. But then, that’s not enough either, is it? Because the moment you are complacent, another snowball starts rolling. The way I look at it, you have two real choices; one, you put up a defense shield against them, or two, you eliminate the thing causing them. I prefer number two. In martial arts terms, number two would mean complete obliteration of the obstruction that is detrimental to your martial arts, which could be easier said than done. That thing could be the school you’ve gone to the past five years, or the partner you’ve sparred with that has gone way off course. So the question then becomes, now that you know what you have to sacrifice, can you do it.

And that is the suffering, isn’t it? It is possible, even likely, that things will get better. Dumb people leave, school leaders change. But you are always the constant. So in the end, it is really up to you what course your martial arts “life” ends up taking. Life may suck right now, but sensei is right- I won’t always be the little tori. And it is possible I am training to be the person I will become someday, that person I will like. For me, the past three months has been constant change. I can’t say I know how to dodge that snowball, but I do know how to dig my heels in the snow and brace for impact. I do that well. And with any luck, I won’t have too many more to go.

CHAPTER THREE: Kuki, I Long For thee

I want to talk about three people who have influenced my martial arts life greatly. One is still here, the other two have long since moved on. For an autistic person, getting close to someone special does not happen very often, if at all. I don’t really know why I was drawn out of my shell for them.

The first person I briefly mentioned earlier was Broody. He was a kid about my age; I think maybe a year younger. He had long black hair and glasses and dressed Goth-like, kinda like Goth Kid, only sensible. He was quiet, except when he held a goshinken in his hand. My first memory of him was the first day I started iai class. He wore his hakama like he owned the place, and he basically did. He was a new sho-dan who was the only one under thirty and healthy enough to keep us on our toes. He frequently worked advanced katas in a corner by himself, so I didn’t get much teaching time with him. He did, however, teach me one good lesson- speak, or forever hold your peace. I really liked him- okay, I had a crush on him if you really must trivialize it, but that’s what it was. He left just months before I started my blog and I mention him now because those first months for me (the last months for him) parallel my own last couple of months.

From what I understand (and gather from snippets I got from the Benevolent Matriarch , Head Sensei, and others, was that he walked away only weeks before his black belt test. He said he wasn’t ready. When I heard that, I thought he was absolutely crazy. Why quit just when black belt is in reach? Surely, if he wasn’t ready, he could reschedule? But now, after recently going through it myself, I have come to understand why he left us. Anybody can earn a black belt. To want to live up to it is another story. The case of a guy in my blog I referred to as Applebee’s Guy may help explain this. He, unlike Goth-like Broody, was a clean-cut kid with a winning smile and a friendly hello for everyone. He was helpful, a decent (if sometimes easily flustered) teacher, and worked very hard in class. Then, he got his black belt. A week later, he split. Without wanting to disappoint any of us, he said that he was off to college out of state and he would stop in from time to time- but six months later, there he was at the local university, working at the same Applebee’s, and he never did come back. Applebee’s Guy disappointed us with a smile and a lie, whereas Broody, outspoken about his unhappiness about the school, disappointed us with honesty. Now, who deserves a black belt?

Broody was a good lesson for me, not only in judgment of character, but in making the most of an opportunity. His leaving was even more gut-wrenching for me as he was replaced by Nerdverd. I give him credit for coming back once- he and Head Sensei talked and watched a class. I should have spoken to him then, and said, “Hey, thanks for everything,” but I didn’t. Another opportunity lost, and since I’ll probably never see him again, I’ll have to take this as an experience.

The next person I met that impacted me probably had the biggest impact of the three I will speak of here. I don’t remember when the first time I met him was, but I think it must have been on my first day of aiki class. I dubbed him” Verizon Guy” because of his job- and he was always at wits with his job- and I remember him being very friendly from the start. He was at the bottom of the totem pole just like me, and being that aiki was a small class back then and we were about the same size, it was only natural we would become partners. They say you tend to have one person that helps you learn more than anyone else, and for me, it was him. Verizon Guy was a fairly quiet guy, and like me, shared gripes about the wayward brats running around and always getting your ass handed to you in order to learn a new trick. He took meticulous notes. Every class he had a pen and paper, ready to transcribe new techniques. I preferred to draw myself. We figured out really quick that aiki doesn’t translate well into words. He and I must have beaten each other up a hundred times. We were very close in rank- I was a belt behind him in karate and we were the same rank in aiki. It made training much easier. Head Sensei could always leave us in a corner for an hour and we’d keep each other entertained. Getting our blue belt was the most ridiculous endeavor we did, doing nothing but tai otoshi and screwing it up until we were red in the face.

It took us a year to get our first aiki rank, and we eventually did get that throw down, but the toughest problem we both faced was trying to combine our martial arts life with everything else. For me, it was the trials of health and school, and for him it was workplace politics. I’ll never forget when we talked outside of school for a good twenty minutes while I was waiting for my ride. It wasn’t anything important, but it wasn’t really something I was accustomed to doing (talking with other students outside class). It occurred to me then that he wasn’t making small talk, and he could leave in his car at any time (and he had a pretty sweet car, too), but he didn’t. He kept me company. It was then I realized I had a friend at school.

For about three years, he and I were partners. We rolled together, goofed around, cried when they changed the aiki book, and hated kids. For that time, it was just he and I, the only adults in karate. When three more came in, we were elated. He had just made brown belt and I was purple with stripe (4^th kyu, for anyone who is wondering), when word came down from his job that he was to be transferred. Damn. That set me back in martial arts for long time. I doubt he knew what an impact his leaving had on me. It…well, sucked. No more of his famous haymaker, elbow, hammer-fist combo which he dubbed “around the world and back”, or his “patented” headbutt. He told us he would look for instruction when he was settled in his new town, and I hope he did. I just wish, even though I know he couldn’t have, that he would have stayed.

And so, this brings me to Batta. His name means “grasshopper” in Japanese, a funny thing considering he is a powerhouse in his own right, with his wrestling and boxing background. But Batta is a special student because he’s the first person I’ve known personally before he joined the school. He developed a hatred for kids really quick, which endeared him to me, and he genuinely wanted to learn. I have to confess that Batta is more than a student to me…but I think that is another chapter for another day. Batta has helped me fill the emptiness that Verizon Guy left, as well as put Broody behind. I miss them still, but I gained a lot and then some with Batta. I wish I could write more about him, but his story has just begun. I think when there is more to write, that it will be something most extraordinary to share.